Letting Go of Negative People

A few months ago I talked about an ex boyfriend reaching out to me. Not just an ex… more like the The Ex. The one that broke me. The one that took over a year to recover from. The one that I never really thought I would get over. The one that I blamed myself for so much of what happened.

This time I was determined that things would be different. That I wouldn’t do the same things that I had perceived on my end as driving him away.

Here’s the thing though… sometimes people are self destructive and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. You can love a person so much it hurts, you can do everything right, you can pray harder than you ever dreamed possible. But you can’t fix someone who’s not willing to fix themselves. And that may be one of the most painful lessons anyone can learn.

Self destruction isn’t always drug or alcohol related. It comes in many forms. For my ex, it’s a constant negative attitude. It’s always seeing the glass half empty. It’s overthinking everything to the point where he actually renders himself unable to act, function, or basically do life.

It didn’t take long for me to realize that the same issues that made us breakup 2 years ago were still issues. The constant canceling of plans. The not responding to texts. The constant every day drama from his job, from his child, from his travel schedule. It’s a constant state of negativity that oozes from him.

A couple months ago, my little brother swung by my house a little before noon on a Sunday. Where was I?

In bed, hungover, crying, falling into my own depression over my ex canceling plans once again the day before and shutting his phone off with no explanation other than he couldn’t handle anything else on his plate. I was blaming myself once again, wondering if I hadn’t said one thing or said another, if I could put my ex back together.

My brother said something that day that really started putting perspective on everything. He told me that a person can be a good person in his or her core, but that doesn’t mean that they are a mentally healthy person. He asked me if my ex has ever had his shit together mentally… not just the last few years that I’ve known him, but if I look back on his entire life and the things I know about him, has there been anything there to show me that he’s ever had it together…

The answer? No. His life seems to have taken a wrong turn at some point and has never realigned. Maybe it was losing his father. Maybe it was staying in a loveless marriage for way too long. Maybe it was his ex wife forcing him to leave the Army Rangers that he loved dearly. Who knows? But the key to this question was that I am not the problem, I never have been, and there’s nothing that he’s done or is currently doing to show me that things will ever be different.

My brother then told me that if I decided to go down this road again, he would support me. But that I really needed to accept that by going down this road, happiness and fulfillment in my life would never really be there and I would need to realize that. My ex doesn’t have the capacity to be there for me on a basic level… I could never trust him to be there for me when the major life events happen.

Fuck… there’s a realization… a choice between being with someone that I do love… or being happy.

At that point, I think something started changing in me. Yes, I still continued to keep getting hurt by my ex. But this time I started paying attention. I stopped blaming myself.

I started realizing that there is something incredibly toxic for me where my ex is concerned. Yes, I can be moody AF. But overall I am a happy person. I do believe that life is too short to be unhappy. I believe in staying positive and seeing the best in bad situations.

I’ve had serious tragedy in my life. And I’ve chosen to learn from it, that life is precious, life is short. There are no do-overs in life. You get one chance at life and on my deathbed, I want to look back and say I was happy, that I gave it my all, and I LIVED.

I realized that in the year since my ex and I had stopped talking, I had gotten my happiness back. I didn’t need the xanex and sleeping pills all the time. I had busted my ass to put the pieces of my heart together again, and in less than 2 months, my ex was already starting to shatter it again. I had started popping xanex and needing sleeping pills almost daily. I was having random anxiety attacks at work where I don’t even have stress!!

And I realized, he was always the one triggering the attacks.

He is bad for me. He is probably a person that is bad for anyone who gets too close. He is holding on by a thread and I can’t help him.

You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help himself.

There’s no such thing as loving someone enough to make up for the lack of self love that someone doesn’t have for himself. There’s no such thing as fixing someone who can’t fix himself.

And while it can be incredibly painful, sometimes the only thing you can do is remove yourself from the situation so that you don’t get sucked in with him.

I was sucked in 2 years ago… I’ll be damned if I will let myself be sucked in again.

He’s made it easier on me to walk away this go round. He’s been a dick a few too many times to where I’ve been rendered speechless at someone’s cruelty. The little things like responding to a Happy Birthday/Happy Thanksgiving/Merry Christmas text… he can’t even do a basic curtesy like that. Or making plans only to leave me hanging with no cancelation text. He claims its because things will be so bad on his end he doesn’t have the capacity to respond. That’s bullshit. It’s just the same excuses.

I have always been a proponent of you teach people how to treat you. The girl that keeps getting cheated on? Well, you won’t leave him and he knows it. The employee who has a boss constantly shitting on them? Go find a new job. I do not believe in excuses. If you are unhappy in ANY situation, most of the time YOU have the power to change it. Or if you can’t change it, you still have the power to approach it in a positive way.

Everyone has battles to face. No one’s life is perfect. It’s hard enough to deal with your own problems, much less take on someone else’s. Sometimes you actually have no choice but to take them on.

In this case, however, I DO have a choice. I can walk away and not look back. I can take the last few months as real closure with my ex.

It doesn’t mean I don’t love him, or don’t care. I do. I think when you really love someone, you don’t just stop. But the love sometimes has to progress to something else so that you can survive yourself.

I’m choosing happiness this time. I’m choosing to save myself from someone who is terrible for me. I’m choosing to stay away from someone who brings me down, turns me to a negative person.

I love him… but I don’t love ME when I’m with him. And I choose to love me.

It’s a new year… and for the last six months I’ve had a feeling that 2017 was going to be major for me. I think God has been testing me with my ex. Testing me to make sure I’m ready for what is in store.

My ex told me a couple weeks ago that he’s a mess, that I’ve never done anything wrong. That he knows he screws everything up and that he knows he has no one to blame but himself. I’ve struggled the last few months trying to understand why he reached out if he knew that he didn’t have the capacity still to give me what I need from a man and from a relationship.

But now I think I know… though he may not realize it.

He came back to give me the closure that I have desperately needed and never had. I don’t think I really had the capacity to move on with anyone else if he hadn’t come back in. I would’ve always wondered, always blamed myself.

I’m not doing that anymore. I have forgiven myself. I’ve recognized that he’s broken. I’ve learned a valuable life lesson.

And I finally have peace.

Until next time…

 

xoxo

The Penniless Princess

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